I asked Bill for feedback, and for any help he could offer in identifying cuts. Here's what he wrote back:
Being very familiar with America and having met a lot of US servicemen, I can recognise the American characters as being very real. Unfortunately I think I may have met the prick who organised the dog fighting and know the type.
Funny, I took the repetitions you mention as being references to oral history telling and part of the rhythm, a way to remove the story from immediate narrative.
She's a great character, all the better because she has such a light description. Cannot wait to see the book in print.