Sunday, February 8, 2015

On the deficiency of Irish soymilk

It came to my attention last month, both via a Reliable Source and my own direct experience, that Irish soymilk is deficient. It curdles when you introduce it to coffee.

"Grossitosis," I said to my Reliable Source, who had, the day before, opened his very refrigerator to my groceries and warned me about this. "What possible use could such soymilk be to a groggy caffeine addict?" We started at the coffee I had just befouled, heedless of his warning.

Having barely forestalled nausea, I mentioned that American soymilk, or at least my favorite variety of it, does not curdle disgustingly when poured into coffee. Pressed for a brand name, I could not provide one.

A certain skeptical facial expression presented itself, and there was a moment of obscure but detectable tension in the exchange. Perhaps Reliable Source doubted my veracity or experience. Perhaps he left this discussion unconvinced that any nation could produce viable soymilk for coffee drinkers.

Let the record show that the Irish, despite their innumerable cultural and literary triumphs, still live in a dark age when it comes to the production of soymilk. Their swill (undrinkable straight, by the way) does not improve either the taste or the visual appeal of any hot cup of java. Although we Americans must follow their lead when it comes to excellence in writing -- Joyce, Wilde, Shaw, Beckett, Banville, and on and on, yeah, yeah -- the Hibernians must follow our lead here.

The better-engineered American soymilk brand in question is not and never was a figment of my imagination. It is, I can now report, called Silk.

Silk is battle-tested. It is delicious. It is superior to the nasty Irish soymilk I was able to procure. I hereby swear that I put Silk in my coffee today, and that nothing happened that unsettled my stomach or necessitated the discarding of precious liquids. I did, however, in remembering this curdled-soymilk episode, miss Ireland and its good company.

Let this be a lesson to Ireland: No matter how good your writing is, you should arrange for the importation of American soymilk. Quick. And you should get me back there. So I can argue with you about something else.