Saturday, December 19, 2015

7 Modest Proposals for the Self-Righteous Xenophobes Who Shut Down the School System in Augusta County, Virginia, Over This World Religions Homework Assignment

#1. Continue to be furious. Don't stop to ask yourself whether this is just a poorly chosen assignment meant to teach high school kids about world religions. Don't ask the teacher to provide an alternative assignment if this one seems inappropriate to you. (I'm a Muslim, by the way, and it seems inappropriate to me.) Assume nefarious intent. Make somebody the Enemy lurking around every corner -- we need more of those -- and then get as angry as you possibly can. Stay angry and get others angry, too. Good decisions and actions always follow.

#2. Set a great example for your kids. Make sure they grasp the point that the best way to feel good about themselves and their community is to close down institutions of learning and then hate on other people.

#3. Demonize Islam. That's more and more fashionable these days. Stay in step.

#4. Demonize Muslims, and in particular American Muslims. Make us feel just as welcome as you made Japanese-Americans feel in the early 1940s. Our citizenship is indeed inferior to yours, as theirs was to your grandparents'.

#5. Demonize Arabic language, culture, and history as a whole. Do what Fox News does. Play scary music whenever Arabic script appears. Some of the brighter kids may ask if that means they don't have to study algebra anymore, since an Arab invented it. Change the subject.

#6. Keep talking about preventing American Muslims abroad (like me) from returning to the land of their birth. In fact, make this a big campaign issue in the 2016 election cycle. So what if such a proposal shreds our constitutional rights? Constitution, shmonstitution. This is an idea whose time has come. And if the skeptics say that time is 1933, and the place is Berlin, well, don't let a bunch of pointy-headed intellectuals get in the way of a great night rally. Be sure to bring the torches.

#7. Keep the social media pressure on. While you're at that night rally, shoot and post a video in which you burn every book in which Arabic script appears. Mine, for instance.

P.S.: You have just answered the most twisted prayers of the senior Isis zombies, whose goal is to breed division.

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